I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
