if you like me you must not know who I am
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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