I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
