I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
This house was built for laser tag.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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