I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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