You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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