Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
