i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
