I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I supernannyed him into submission
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