the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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