i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
