I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
