my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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