Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
