Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
