If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
accomplished twins. life is a go
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
