im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
