Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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