I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
