Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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