I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
