I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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