Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
