I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
