i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
