remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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