So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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