I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
