The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
