Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
