I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
