after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
