I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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