everyone is single if you try hard enough
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
