I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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