I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
