I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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