why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
