Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
