he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
