I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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