OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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