I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
