He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
