Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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