No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
