The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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