I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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