you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
