I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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