that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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