she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
