She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
