thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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