Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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