Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
