And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
