Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
