evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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