why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
