I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
