I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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