I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
