maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i barfeds in our rink
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
