Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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