There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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