In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
