that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
