she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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