She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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