I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
