I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
