You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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