I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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